what i carry with me

what if i were to trip on the sidewalk,
my life spilling out of the neat little bag i have it in,
spewing out on the pavement
at a stranger's feet

would they stoop to help me collect
the tiny bits of things
that comprise me?
and what would they see?

minute shards of splintered vanity and fraying bits of fashion
all the things i clutch to me
to validate me
and prove to me that i am worthy

would they notice the need,
rolling down to the gutter?
the need to see the world clearly
the need for the world to see me?

and what about the words?
all the words i've woven
to wrap around me, to save me and
keep at arms length everything else

would they pretend not to see
the scraps of melancholy
that shade my world with grey

amidst the tampons, the lipgloss,
the rosary, the pens, the agenda,
the cards, the stamps and the
pieces of paper with words written on

would they see me?
would they see through to me?

not the me on the surface,
with all the hairline cracks and
the big plastic smile

but the me i am when i'm alone

And The Beat Goes On...

Today I was happy just bumming around town with my best boy. We had breakfast at Rembrandt's where I fed three little sparrows, (I know. Shame on me.) who then engaged in the most interesting Bird Opera with a vicious robin bully.
We explored the Southside, and mourned for old buildings. We also scouted out various music venues for our friend Dan (Insert: shameless plug for ListenerProject).
Then, it was on to some friendly bickering over the best Cab Sauv with my buddy in the Vine.
After that, home to play with choreography in the basement, my favorite golden retriever biting at my skirts.

Then I came upstairs, and hubby had washed all the dishes. Wonders! Miracles! Love!

After weeks of heinous stress, anxiety, and general dejection, a lazy sort of day was exactly what I needed.

Things I Found In My Yard This Morning

This morning,

it was cool, but not cold. There was still enough dew on the grass to wet my toes. I found these things:

my neighbor, cozy on his side porch, paper in hand, but at a friendly level, so conversation isn't ruled out.

the slam of the screen door as his wife joins him, before their daughters wake up. Their voices are low, and then
the sound of his wife's laughter - the two of them flirting right out in the open, not noticing me

the birds waking up, warming up their voices (it sounds like choir practice)

The crystal chandelier pendant half-buried in the dirt - that I found, instantly treasured, and simultaneously lost half of

the dung beetle-thing, rolling a ball of...dog hair?

a four-leaf clover

the remnants of a brown and blue spotted egg

impressively obese bees already hard at work

a lightning fast lizard with a shockingly-blue tail

a last rosebud

the remnants of a snake skin (after it had been mowed over, I guess)

HappyNest

Yesterday was a quirky day. Even though it was the start of my first night of three to work.
We woke up early, and tidied the basement and the back patio. We loaded up all the recycling (it's incredible how much crap two people amass over the course of two weeks), and I even made up a few boxes of gently used goodies for the thrift store...I was feeling uber-productive.

Then the bottom fell out.
It rained sheets, cats, dogs, and men. (Not any good ones, though.)
So much for all my uber-productivity getting stuff done before work...

And like any mature human who is faced with a change of plans out of one's control, I pouted furiously. I think I glared at every rain drop that hit my windows.
And I love a good rainy day. Just not when it interferes with all the stuff I have to get done before work.
After a good ten minute pout-fest, I got glad in my mad spot and cuddled with my hubby and dog-babies on our comfy couch, and we watched the rain. That was nice.

Meanwhile, on the other side of our house, our sun room was quietly flooding.
That was exciting. But, the upshot of the flooded sun room was the discovery of the cutest nest of baby birds in the eaves off our sun room! They were so cute, and so pissed to see us! They fluffed up and chewed us out, it was precious! We left them alone, threw down some towels and beat it back to the couch.

When the rain stopped, we headed out and got a few errands done.
It was nice to spend a little time with my best friend before work. And I kinda think that was the lesson of the day. To sit, and chill. Be present.

Happiness, ad infinitum

I must say, I am quite grateful to my friend Miranda for her Happiness Challenge. It has me seeking and finding all the joys in my life that I may otherwise have taken with all the blase' expectation of an overly spoiled child. I will apply said challenge to my life at large, keeping track of things in my personal journal. That way, whenever I start feeling morose or ungrateful, I can look back on all the ways I have been remembered by God and the Universe, and given a token of that remembrance.

Happiness Homework

I am behind. This is me playing catch-up.

Day three was awesome. Giving is generally always better than receiving: Kevin and I set up a deliciously luxurious hammock for our dear friends Jordan and Rebecca, for them to find when they came home from their honeymoon. We were very excited, and very pleased with ourselves when we had it all put up. There was much high-fiving, and shouting of "Go Team Moore!" (yeah. we're kinda nerds like that.)

Day Four was work...not so much joy in that, but I gave my all through a really tough labor, so maybe it wasn't about my happiness? Maybe, day four was about bringing others happiness? It was challenging for me, because they were a life-sapping couple, but it did occur to me that there was a Divine Reason for me caring for them...who knows.

Day Five was work again. So, my happiness was Sleep, after the work. The dreamless sleep of the dead. (Or those who work night shift!) And my two sweet doggies who curled up with me and let me go unconscious for a whole five hours, before they woke me up to go outside. That was nice.

Day Six was Sunday, and my happiness was again, bound up in someone else's. We drove "up the mountain" to see my sister-in-law's new house. It was really lovely, and I was happy for them, and happy for being a part of their wonderful family. It was a beautiful day, and I was happy to hold my husband's hand in the car, and be aware that, in that particular moment, I felt both happiness and satisfaction. "All was for the best in this, the best of all possible worlds." I took a mental picture of it, to add to my "mental picture photo album".
We got home and hubby hit the hammock, and I hit the gardening. (I am seeing a pattern emerge: I am happiest when I'm outside. Preferably getting dirty.)

Day Seven was Monday, and I found my happiness cleaning my little house of cobwebs, clutter, laundry, and stray teacups...I catalogued some books that had been staring at me for weeks, and actually cleared the surface of my desk. It felt really good. I'd been feeling pretty funky, and was amazed to find what an overhaul of your home environment can do for your mood!
I went to Sleep tired, and feeling better - purged of the negativity that a messy house can bring (if you're sensitive to that sort of thing).

And Day Eight. Glorious Day Eight. It brought the resurrection of one pesky pergola from the heap it was in to its full imposing height over the table in our back yard. It was fun! My husband's parents came over and we WORKED! And that thing was tricky!!! We made pizzas, and then got that sucker up! And it looks fantastic. So that was my happiness for yesterday. That, and painting my nails later that night.